We all know exactly what I’m talking about. That one lady who has it all together. She has a beautiful home that is always clean. There is a perfect place for everything. Her children are beautiful and well behaved and never bored. She works out, she eats healthy, her hair and make up are always flawless. She volunteers at her children’s schools and never misses a PTA meeting. She is probably the president. She is a seamstress, a professional organizer, and a gourmet cook. During the summer her garden produces bucket loads of perfect vegetables. Her husband walks in the door at 5:00 pm every weekday to a delicious and healthy home cooked meal. She also cooks dinner at least once a week for friends and neighbors in need. She updates the family blog weekly with pictures and anecdotes of her happy life. She hosts a weekly book club, and is always knowledgeable on current events. She is well traveled. Her home is full of beautiful hand made decorations that match the season. Her Christmas cards are stamped and sealed before Halloween, but she won’t mail them until the day after Thanksgiving. She bakes plates of delicious goodies for all of her neighbors during the holidays, and never forgets anyone. The college funds she and her husband set up for each of their children as soon as they were conceived are growing nicely. She likely has a respectable full time job, or a small business run out of her home.
You know who she is. You hate to love her and you love to hate her. You think about her constantly as you struggle to get through your most hectic days. Which seems to be all of them. Everything you do right or wrong is judged against how she would have done it. You know everything about her except one thing. Her name. Because I promise you, she doesn’t exist. We all think we know a woman who is everything we want to be. We might even give her the name of someone we know. But in truth she only lives in our imagination. She is comprised of only the best parts of everyone we know.
What does “picture perfect” literally represent? A picture is only a moment in time. Less than a second! And yet we so often compare out entire being to someone else’s picture perfect moment. How is that fair to us, or to her? Let’s consider a likely reality behind that perfect family photo we all want to present to the world. That “perfect modern mom” might have spent some good time and money getting coordinated outfits for everyone to wear for the photo session, or maybe she didn’t. Either way, right before they leave the house, a toddler spills something colorful very prominently on his outfit and mom has to scramble to find something else he can wear that will “go”, or maybe it won’t. The kids are all on edge because they’ve been threatened that they better smile and behave and not get dirty or else. The baby didn’t take her morning nap, but she falls asleep as soon as she is in the car, and is not happy to be awakened. Dad has a bad attitude because he doesn’t think anyone can get the whole family to look at the same place at the same time and smile. What a waste of time and money, The oldest girl is complaining that her brother is leaning on her too much, but he protests that this is what the photographer told him to do and if she doesn’t like it then they can take the picture without him. Mom coaxes him back, but she knows he won’t look happy. It’s over. This is a lost cause. She can’t believe how much time she spent on her hair and make up for this. But miracle of miracles, when she looks through the photos there is one perfect picture with everyone looking at the camera with bright shining faces. She doesn’t even remember this happening, but this is the one. This is the picture she is going to share with the world. It might even go on their Christmas card, if she gets around to it this year. And if she isn’t careful, she might forget the way that photo session really happened, and start to judge herself and her family by that one perfect snap of a moment in time, which she doesn’t even actually remember. And when she receives the first Christmas card of the season and sees the lovely photo of her friend’s family she will make assumptions about that picture perfect family, and feel the pang of guilt that means she forgot about Christmas cards again this year.
We spend so much time creating out own version of “picture perfect” to present to the world. How it is not obvious that all of the “perfect” people we know are surely doing the same thing? Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Why do we compare out worst days with someone else’s best seconds? I can tell you that I do this all the time and it is just miserable! No good can come of it. It doesn’t make me better. It doesn’t motivate me to change. It is a lie.
There’s a motivational quote that keeps popping up in my little corner of the internet these days. “The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” I sometimes need to remind myself that my goal in life is not to someday be as awesome as my neighbor. My goal is PROGRESS. Every single day I can wake up with the intention of choosing to do better than I did yesterday. And if it doesn’t happen, I can wake up the next day with the same intention.
I’m not saying there are not women who do every single thing I listed at the beginning of these post and more during their lifetime. But I promise you, it is never all at once. We live our lives by times and seasons. We can’t judge ourselves by another person’s timeline, and we can’t judge others by what we think they should have accomplished by now. The Dali Lama said, “Love is the absence of judgement.” Basically we should all stop judging and just love! Love ourselves, love our friends, love our neighbors, love our enemies. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. All that time and energy we spend comparing ourselves could be put to better use improving ourselves.
Henry B. Eyring shared some advice he was given as a young man. “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.” This advice does sound like the extreme opposite of assuming the best of everyone except ourselves, but the results are much better for everyone involved. If we go about our day expecting that people would welcome our sincere love and friendship and service we can’t go wrong.
