I could have been a new mom again this week.
8 months ago I learned that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Literally bursting. You should never take a pregnancy test at 2 am. Especially if you plan on keeping the secret from your husband until the semester ends. In three weeks. I did successfully keep the secret, just barely. I waited until he had settled down after getting home from his last final. Then I put my youngest in a shirt that said "big sister" and sent her into the kitchen where he was sitting. Such a sweet moment when the reality of the message finally dawned on him. Unlike last time this was not a surprise for us. We were ready and very much wanting to add to our family.
The timing was perfect. I crocheted a mini stocking for the baby to show our families on Christmas Day. They started spreading the good news, though I don't know how far it went.
The next day on our family outing I started having cramps and bleeding. Nothing more than I normally felt during my period, but a little worrisome because it had never happened while I was pregnant. This was Friday night. By Monday morning it hadn't stopped so I made an ultrasound appointment, not knowing what to expect.
All our friends were away for Christmas, so my husband drove around with the girls and I went in alone.
And I came out alone.
The ultrasound showed that my uterus was empty. The tiny part of me that would have grown into my third baby was already gone. I felt like I should have noticed, should have felt something when it happened. But I didn't. And then it was over. I was just empty.
It's difficult to describe how I felt afterwards. I cried, but not much. It was like my ability to feel anything significant was gone. Everything was watered down. I felt a little sad, a little angry, a little helpless, a little confused. I was frustrated because I thought I should be feeling more. Maybe I thought that feeling immense pain would bring me closure. But I never did. Ever since I have been annoyed by that. Like because I didn't feel as much physical or emotional pain as I thought I should, my experience wasn't valid. The one good thing that should have come out of this experience was that I could empathize with my many friends who have and will experience a miscarriage. Can I really empathize if I didn't feel the pain?
I think maybe I worried that I would forget.
But I have not forgotten. This week I might have been a new mother again. Instead I am still waiting. Still waiting and wondering and hoping that the right time will be not far distant. But even when that time comes, I will not forget this time.
