I could have been a new mom again this week.
8 months ago I learned that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Literally bursting. You should never take a pregnancy test at 2 am. Especially if you plan on keeping the secret from your husband until the semester ends. In three weeks. I did successfully keep the secret, just barely. I waited until he had settled down after getting home from his last final. Then I put my youngest in a shirt that said "big sister" and sent her into the kitchen where he was sitting. Such a sweet moment when the reality of the message finally dawned on him. Unlike last time this was not a surprise for us. We were ready and very much wanting to add to our family.
The timing was perfect. I crocheted a mini stocking for the baby to show our families on Christmas Day. They started spreading the good news, though I don't know how far it went.
The next day on our family outing I started having cramps and bleeding. Nothing more than I normally felt during my period, but a little worrisome because it had never happened while I was pregnant. This was Friday night. By Monday morning it hadn't stopped so I made an ultrasound appointment, not knowing what to expect.
All our friends were away for Christmas, so my husband drove around with the girls and I went in alone.
And I came out alone.
The ultrasound showed that my uterus was empty. The tiny part of me that would have grown into my third baby was already gone. I felt like I should have noticed, should have felt something when it happened. But I didn't. And then it was over. I was just empty.
It's difficult to describe how I felt afterwards. I cried, but not much. It was like my ability to feel anything significant was gone. Everything was watered down. I felt a little sad, a little angry, a little helpless, a little confused. I was frustrated because I thought I should be feeling more. Maybe I thought that feeling immense pain would bring me closure. But I never did. Ever since I have been annoyed by that. Like because I didn't feel as much physical or emotional pain as I thought I should, my experience wasn't valid. The one good thing that should have come out of this experience was that I could empathize with my many friends who have and will experience a miscarriage. Can I really empathize if I didn't feel the pain?
I think maybe I worried that I would forget.
But I have not forgotten. This week I might have been a new mother again. Instead I am still waiting. Still waiting and wondering and hoping that the right time will be not far distant. But even when that time comes, I will not forget this time.
Thanks for sharing! I know everyone's experience is a little different. I wasn't really planning on getting pregnant again, and wasn't even ready for it. I felt really overwhelmed when I found out I was. So when everything happened I wasn't expecting to feel any sort of loss or anything like that. I even thought I might feel relieved... but a few days after the surgery the emotions hit me out of nowhere. I'm not really sure why I felt them so strongly, but I did. I think that whatever feelings you have after something like that, it's easy to think that you either shouldn't feel that way or you should feel something different...but that's simply not true. Whatever your feelings are, your experience is valid. I also think no matter how intense those feelings are or how slight, it's normal to think about the child you could have had... and there might always be a place in your heart for that child. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared your experience. Personal experience with miscarriage is like a secret club (and I'm not so sure it should be quite so secretive), but it might be a bit easier to help others when women realize that miscarriage happens. A lot. And they're still good, healthy, worthwhile women.
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